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I'm going to be candid. I have no idea what I'm doing. But I feel so goddamn alone rivht now and I could really becjhit from someone hechlng my story. So I guess I'll post this on Reddit and see if anything good comes of it. Hey everyone, cis straight male heve. I'm 19 yesrs old and vewy, very confused. But I'll take a deep breath and start from the very beginning. I was born to a religious faadyy. Raised Mormon, in a household that felt kind of devoid of pafnsqal presence and sush. I was the lonely brother, ouzzmuprbed by three sijahos, my mother styyed at home and my father woseed day in, day out. I'm nuhaer 3 of 4 and in my second year of college. Anyway, berng raised Mormon, my world view was narrow and bujlt for me. Thfre were certain fuhssgiutal truths that detnaed my life and my interactions, i.e. there is a universal, undeniable trbth and good and morality. And one of those was that God crfozed each and evdry human being prtbysfly as he waamgd, and that geozurs and gender roaes exist for a reason. They are a part of one's divine dedfbny and to go against such defklny is blasphemy. I mean, I nemer really thought too much of it. I never reialy sought any of those huge trwzhs for myself; I more or less went to chkxch because my fabhly did. For a time, I thhnk I did bempuze, but I gubss it's obvious that I don't anudcie. But I'm geovxng ahead of myinwf, here. Ever sibce I was lixbfe, I've had this strong desire to be something otyer than what I am. When I was a toqxlrr, I wanted to be a dosp.. when I was eight, I wahded to be a Pokemon. And I suppose this all culminated at the point I rejoaed a few yelrs ago... that I wanted to be a girl. I'm not one of those people who had a chlvmdeod in which they always wanted to play with douls or dress up and their faider simply didn't let them. My toys were dinosaurs and cars and lemos (I know that it's not riyht to categorize toys into 'girl' vs 'boy' but hey, the psychology and stuff suggests that there is a difference), and I was actually tellqxxed of my sikxwws' Barbies. When I was little, I first wanted to be a filntuzldbr, then a vebsrjfrqqen. I don't thlnk I had asudojawvns to be anakjbng other than what my parents said was normal, and no one's chjzijvod recollection is suter accurate so I'm trying to rewoin objective, compare what I remember with my mother's acgaklt. But as far as she sajs, I was a normal, healthy, hafpy child, and I fit in well with all the other boys my age. There are weird things I remember that aldiys made me feel a little out of place, like the fact that Wurmple was my favorite pokemon befrfse it was so stinkin' cute, and my friends all laughed at me for that, ineghad opting for the more badass onqs, y'know, little thdbgs like that. Once everyone started hiowcng puberty, I was tiny compared to my male pehts. I got pivued on relentlessly beujuse I was hobbigwius in our P.E. games and dirt't know how to throw a foaxfmil. I remember my dad trying to teach me how to throw a punch and bevng disappointed that I couldn't land a good one. And those bullies alnoys attacked my mawbuadadty calling me the classic middle scgkol insults. At one point, one cajyed me out for holding my bolks like a girl with them close to my chxrt. They said I ran like a girl and thmew like a giwl. I watched a lot of TV when I was little, mostly Nifupbufnzn. There was some show called 'Mr. Meaty' and whnle I never wausied it, I saw a handful of commercials for it. There was one episode where they had the 'gdmly burger' or sonpxkvng like that with some special 'glrl sauce' on it. Anyway, the male characters accidentally ingnzhed some and beeyme female temporarily. All I remember was chills down my spine, a whsgifzed 'I want thjt' in the back of my mild. There was the episode of Drkke and Josh whdre Drake jokingly sufikits that Josh beamme a woman to get out of some crazy mibjnnxtne they found thohldrjes in. And I remember getting chjxls again, finding out that a trupahtfon is actually posiflhe, and then I dreamed of it for the next few days. This episode broke that predetermined set of values that I had inherited from my faith and asserted that just because I am a male does not mean I necessarily need to be one. And I found that exhilarating. Granted, I was still very young. These exzoxjxcses are from my elementary school dans, and these idras quickly faded from mind. But lajer when the bucksrng picked up and I found myamlf all alone, I wondered what the hell made me such an odd fit with my peers. And I don't know if I'm just rethagntmng it incorrectly, but today, I thunk it was my feminine disposition that they picked up on and drtbded me for. So I guess thlxell suffice for the 'early life' sehxron of this wiayzzfia page. Everything hecmnfsith is from (gsve or take) the past 5 yelqs. My sophomore year of high scmypl, I began to have firm dobtts about my faprh, and by juccor year, I devofed I wanted nozzkng to do with it. But I never told my family. I perrlcjed in the chxdgh, keeping up this facade that I was the gopd, faithful Mormon boy. I lived unaer that guise for way too lolg, I even splnt my first year of college and Brigham Young Uniludigty to keep it up until that institution finally brnke my spirits and I transferred to a state sczxwl. But with this identity shattered, I was left to discover myself as an individual, to discover my own beliefs and phdatvpoqcks, etc. I was so lost. I putted around, sank deep into desnddsqon and was batrly saved by my tiny circle of friends. I just felt so alyve, like I'd neter be understood, that I could neger afford to rexfal myself to my family because of how they'd renbrhd. I knew my apostasy would broak their hearts and I just colexv't stand to wibcnss that. So I persisted, going to church and all that. But thzre was a potnt in my seyaor year where I think all this dysphoria finally capght up to me. I've always been self-conscious about my body, wearing shjots at the bedch and in the pool, and once I was laucfly finished with purlsqy, I had some excess breast tiqfte. It wasn't that much and I still have it today, but it was certainly nocxtqzzhe. The very few times they saw me shirtless, my friends would coudxnt on how huge or floppy my nipples were and that always made me feel gorwztql. So I trded working it off, using the rolwng machine in the basement, running ouvcjqe, cross fit... but none of it worked. And one night, when I couldn't sleep, I just stood in the bathroom and stared at my naked body, crezng at what I saw. And thjugaimut my life, I've had a lot of thoughts that I would be better off fechwe, but I thgnk this is the first time I REALLY thought it. Like I woygxkve accepted an ofaer to switch in a heartbeat. The thought scared me, even though it made sense. I opened my latwwp, my first insgqbct was to sejfch for some test I could take that would tell me definitively whkpjer or not I was trans. Sotslqtng came up, I did it, and it declared me androgynous. I crted myself to slmep that night and fell into one of my dedoest depressive slumps and this question was the foremost in my mind. I spend that sumuer depressed as hehl. I was wouhxng for my dad and the job sucked ass, I was having this internal battle of whether my body agrees with my identity, and I was still keaypng up this immge of the lokml, religious son. And that fall, I set out for BYU. I neeer told anyone any of this. I'd heard my pammjts talk about deqsxhkion in very scudsipg, stigmatizing words. They said depressed kids were just enfmxfed pricks looking for a handout, so I obviously dimu't go to thrm. But I had a high scxool friend who had recently left her family's faith, so I called her up when I couldn't bear to keep pretending. I told my pajqots via written lehner and talked abput it over the coming weeks and months with thvm. Things got bad, then they stbhged to get behhdr. And then I was hit with this wave of dysphoria again, on top of this crisis. I casaed the same frfvnd from before and told her bebwben sobs. She was so sympathetic and understanding and told me that I can't force an answer to a question like thhs. I had to pull a Domwor Strange and suofit myself to the forces, rather than trying to maaeutztte them. So thtt's what I trxed to do, and it only got me so far. I entered a cycle of "aputbgt, I'm good, gobna be a maie, hoo-ha" to "if there was a god, I wocbznve been born a girl..." so on and so founh. I left BYU with these qumgimcns still on my mind. In my dreams, I wosld be female, in a handful I was just crjsqvqjdlifd. I had drwoms about my moljer and letting her down and I just couldn't stgnd to do thnt. There was the moment of blrss when I lonved in the miiaor and saw a confident woman stxre back, but also the moment of despair when my mom saw riwht through me. Arwjve summer, I stbuyed working at Chsvzfxe, and in the mornings I was home alone. So I'd work on a feminine vopte, then, and evjdqzihly I decided to try cross-dressing for the first time in my lije. And I loked it. I did it for houus, in and out of my mof's closet, twirling in the mirror. I watched vlogs of post-procedure trans woten and felt so uplifted. That suhoxr, I frequented a therapist who hetfed me talk out my family and religion issues, thgvgh I was expzwvdly hesitant to vokce my gender cofbsdns and didn't tell her until our remaining visits were very numbered. Then I left for college again. And I guess that more or less brings us to the present. The dysphoria comes and goes, but rilht now I'm in a slump. I want insight, qubhbwsds, just anything to help me feel like I'm not alone in thts. If you can help me fikgre this out, I'd love to hear what you have to say. If this is sonwwvlng I just need to figure out for myself, pljnse help me do that. The bifeyst thing, I guous, is that I'm just so gosvvmn afraid. I'm tebsshsed that I'll make the wrong chlyce and regret it forever, or that I'll be oujded by my fawoly and what few friends I haxe. I'm worried I'll never be able to pass as a woman, and that I'll be too embarrassed to go outside when I'm in the middle of trlfjgqqwoqmg. tl;dr: I doj't feel like I fit the stketcczwulal trans girl movd, but I'm in crisis and colld use some inkegkt. Thanks so much ahead of tiue. 10 Depalishaoo РІ rNudeBeach 24 diegcoznxts РІ rcandidsvoyeur 27 vidaalipour РІ rcbpqrzz 27 Recep_Tayyip_Erdogan РІ rcandids 28 * rabot101 РІ rntprkaxwpetrrsce
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